Frankly speaking, i feel i'm lucky here. It is because there is not much or even a single people know that i have a blog here. Many people nowadays uses blog to publish their words or commercialize themselves. They may take this opporunity to be popular and earn money. But for me, it is a very useful tool that i consider it as my secret place to express my feelings and tell secret. Secret means nobody will know it right? So, if nobody can find my blog here then it will always be safe to write whatever i want to. Luckily i still have my little space here to breath...
Well, it has passed the big half year of 2010. What i have done so far is still not clear yet. Many feelings this year and passes by many incidents. Happy ones and unhappy ones. But one think i still feel not satisfy is that i do not think i'm growing up enough after going through all that. My EQ is still low and my IQ do not push me to a higher level too. Meaning my acheivement is still little or not even reach a single.
Lately, i keep on reminding myself to improve. No matter is my IQ or EQ. Especially when i'm in the holiday period. I use to tell myself to do something beneficial during the time until everybody will find that you have improve in some way after some time. Just like the case that we go for a haircut in the saloon. You will expect that after some makeover with your hairstyle, you will look like a totally different people and feel fresh. Then only it will consider the haircut is worth it and no regret of making the decision to cut off the hair. The reason why i use to have this thought is mostly because i have found myself in no improvement so far in my life. I admit that i always jealous and feel envy towards all my friends around me. Ya, is all of them. I was jealous with their life. They have a very interesting and enjoyable life. Especially those who are in the same age as me. For those who are far older than me will depend on what is their case. May be you will think that i'm only able to see the positive and cheerful side of my friends. But, i know myself very well. Even they are having their hard times i will still have the feelings of envy and jealous. Why? It is the because although they were not happy , things may not stand by their side, they will still have at least one or two people to accompany them, to console them and to make them feel a bit better at least. But for me, there is none. Really a zero for that.
May be i do not have a boy friend now or i'm poor in social status. Although i have my good and trusted friend, it just that i will never have such a lucky ending or story line in my life. I always feel that i'm alone and nobody can understand and help me out with it. In this matter, i do confess i am also quite a sturbbon human as i will not easy to receive any advice from others besides that you are really influencing. Sounds hard ya... Looking at all the cases and people around me, having different feelings and taste of life...Actually i know where i'm standing now. Most people is enjoying and i'm suffering... I understand why. It just that i use to fake myself to be one of them and get myself in trouble in return. I know that it is not yet the right time to be like them and i need to be patient. However, as time flies, it keeps reminding me that i do not have much time to waste. My age is getting older and older and there is no U-turn for it. For example, i really feel sad and pain in my heart when it has came to my birthday every year. May be i should not be too demanding as i do not have the right to demand. But i still hope for a nice birthday celebration every year. 21st years old... How you celebrated it last time? Let me tell you mine...I do not have a cake and i almost lost the chance to make a wish either. 22nd? Same thing happen... the years before that were all the same.. It is just a day moment and once in a year time to make me feel like others and yet i do not have a chance. May be i'm not good in relationship matter, no friends to make this happen to me and what more to have a boy friend! I am not wanting a boy friend here but it just that it is a very good example to show that there is at leats someone to do it for you. In my case, really none. Speaking to almost the end here, there is no more point to give other example of life that i do not own.
That the reason i keep on telling that i know who i am and where i'm standing now. Just like poor guy will not in a rich enviroment. If you try to pretend as one of them, you will only get hurt in the end. And i have it all the time.
I do not want to claim myself as it is a fate for me but i just thibk that it has not reached my turn yet. I still need to wait. In the meanwhile i'm waiting, i need to enrich and improve myself in all angles. From the inside to the outside and from the top until the bottom. I need to add in alot in order to make things change. I also believe that when i have fill up enough for certain level i will get to that part. It is just a simple theory like the computer games we use to play. Get the points and up a grade you go.
Now, there are 2 important question poping up. First, when i will get there? Second, what i need to fill myself up? The first question is always a must question but i choose to keep it at this moment. The second will be a critical one as it is a path to pave my way there. In other words, what i need to do now? Do i need to be pretty or earn more money? haha...
The blind will know the answer. My inner and external strenght need to be strong enough. It is to build up my confident by not letting people to look down at me. I really hate the feeling of being look down. Especially those who think they are better and have more power to speak up. In my opinion, they are just empty vessels who make the most noise. If you are good you need not to tell the whole world or try to make the people around you to feel it. You should keep it down and not high and help others to be part of you. If you are not willing to do it then you are a loser and coward anyway. It is because you are not brave to teach others and afraid to face the challenge back. You are not a winner! So, do not try to speak so loud as you will only get hated by all.
Therefore, my next feeling chat will be discussing how to improve my inner and external strenght? or what i want and plan to do? What are my obstacles now? There are still more to write here.......
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